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JUSTICE FOR UNCRUSTABLES! A CALL TO ARMS FELLOW AMERICANS AND SANDWICH PATRIOTS, In these dark times, when the very fabric of our society – much like the perfectly crimped edges of our beloved Uncrustables – is under attack, we must stand united. The recent threats to our God-given right to consume perfectly circular, machine-sealed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cannot go unchallenged! Robert F. Kennedy Jr. may claim there are "chemical poisons" in our snacks, but we ask: isn't love a chemical reaction? And what could be more full of love than a factory-produced, perfectly symmetrical sandwich pocket that never knew the touch of human hands? Our mission is simple: To protect the constitutional right of every American to consume processed bread discs filled with whatever our corporate overlords deem suitable To preserve the sacred tradition of never having to learn how to make a sandwich To defend the dignity of those who fear crust Our founding fathers fought for our freedom to pursue happiness, and what brings more happiness than a frozen disc of bread thawing in your child's lunchbox until it reaches that perfect state of slightly-too-wet sponginess? CEO Mark Smucker bravely stood up to declare that "snacking continues." And we say: SNACKING WILL ALWAYS CONTINUE! You can pry our Uncrustables from our sticky, jelly-stained hands!