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Jeffrey Epstein, the man who "didn't kill himself," didn’t just die—he was chosen. The Goon Cabal, a shadowy syndicate of elite coomers and deep-state gooners, refused to let their patron saint fade into obscurity. Using a blend of occult rituals, DARPA-funded nanotech, and a cursed USB drive containing the Epstein Files, they resurrected him in a secret bunker beneath a Miami vape shop in 2023.